Alas, it appears that some things never change (which, I guess, is completely my fault because I simply have not prioritized it…) and it’s been over 2 months since my last post. The older I get, the stranger time seems to pass; what used to last eons, now only moments. I’ve noticed the same principle with the holidays. As a child, nearly half my year was spent idly longing for late fall where my birthday would lead into Thanksgiving which would lead into Christmas which slowly fizzled into New Year’s Eve which, conveniently, thankfully provided enough solace in its bright promise of fresh starts and newness to carry me through at least the rest of the month.
new year, same me, but this time with feeling?
Now, as an adult, one who, might I add, has officially been done done with school for just over a year now, I’m almost wishing for the mundanity of late winter? I don’t know, mostly it’s just that for the first time in my life, as difficult and overwhelming and stressful and exhausting daily life is, it’s also actually nice to just be. Without the underlying awareness of deadlined responsibilities or the (self-inflicted) pressure to achieve something out of reach, I’ve learned that I quite like being lazy and enjoying a quiet, simple life with my person and my pup.
This is, of course, not to say that I don’t have goals or dreams or aspirations, just that whether through life experience or by nature of goal completion or the true beginnings of a self-love journey, I no longer (ok so I’m manifesting this, but read: it’s a work in progress) feel the dense and heavy fog of pressure to achieve. The ultimate goal, and one that I really ought to write down and make the flagship of my mindset/plans for this next year is to cultivate confidence in myself and my abilities. I just kinda feel that that sort of shift in perception and perspective causes a trickle down effect in all other areas of my life (including my capacity to be patient and generally just go with the flow which, if you know me at all, is currently like, thimble-sized).
Considering this is already like 3 times as long as I’d planned the introduction to be (I wonder if that would change if I was more regular in congealing my thoughts with intent to be read…), let me just:
lessons and special moments of 2022
COVID-19 is real & it sucks.
Ok (obviously) I always knew it was real because #science, but Manuel and I got sick in January and the days long brain fog, an IV poke in the arm, and 1 astronomically absurd surprise bill 6 months later, I do not recommend. Get your boosters, people. Flu season is upon us once again.
“family” is a unique & loaded concept.
Now before anyone comes for me (I couldn’t figure out a succinct yet accurate sentence encapsulating my thoughts), might I explain: the time spent with my parents and brother on a vacation of just the 4 of us, was priceless. Magical. To spend uninterrupted time together, as independent, grown people was amazing. But I also felt torn, like something, (someone), was missing. For as much fun as I was having and the amount of sun as I was soaking up, I missed my little family; every moment I experienced felt incomplete. I wanted to share it all with Manuel, my best friend, my love, my light, my person. It became glaringly clear that I never wanted to do a trip like that without him again. Sometimes the signs of growing up are subtle and unnoticed and sometimes, they hit you like, I don’t know, a cruise ship (see what I did there).
i started exercising & am now a regular “jogger” at ORANGE THEORY?
I feel like it’s pretty obvious, but this of course, was not by my personal choice. Manuel had been asking me to workout with him in some capacity for the past few years and because I was walking miles and standing and sweating the entire time I was at Disney, I’d always said sorry, no thank you. But then I got an office job and Manuel got excited because I no longer had any excuses. It’s been just around 9 months and while I would not say that I “enjoy” gymming, I do appreciate the way it makes me feel and the (very slow) results and benefits I see in my body. A win for science and for Manuel, an eye roll for Hannah.
the “post-Disney Depression” is not always applicable to ex-cast members.
Right around the time I left Disney last year, I remember being warned about the Post-Disney Depression many magic-makers experience upon their departure. At the time, I had an inkling that such an illness would not plague me. I was completely correct. I have a lot of thoughts and musings about my time at Disney and my overall infatuation that I’ve added to my long list of writing topics, but the basics? I do not miss it. I do not long to go back. Most days I don’t even think about it. I will always and forever grieve for all the truly special, indescribably magical times spent with my characters, but I find solace and comfort in the memories I hold dear to my heart.
hobbies are things that people do for personal enjoyment & i got some!
For what feels like the first time in my life (most certainly an exaggeration), I picked up a few hobbies! Even some that I thought I would never enjoy–like plants. A friend noticed that the Money Tree another friend had gifted me was dying and after she coached me through proper treatment, re-potting, and general care, I was obsessed. Also, I experimented a bit with different types of arts & crafts-type DIY projects, many puzzles, and my first ever full Lego set! #welovediscovery #yearoffirsts #tryingnewthings
summer in Texas is miserable, like suffocating in a 400 degree oven.
I live in Florida so you can imagine my surprise when we spent a long weekend in Dallas celebrating a family wedding and I experienced a sensation I can only describe as purposeful, personal assault. Seriously, it takes intentional strength to endure such extreme heat (or I’m just dramatic). In any case, I guess I’ve learned that I prefer humidity with my heat. Unless it’s in the fall; Phoenix in October is simply divine.
visiting your childhood home with your partner elicits unique introspection.
Manuel and I visited my parents’ home together for the first time in February of 2020, right before the world shut down and though I’d been back since, he had not. This summer, we took a longer trip. Nearly a full week of relaxing, exploring, living, and sharing where and how I grew up with my most cherished person. It was the most magical, beautiful, out-of-body experience I’ve had.
pure MI in the summer is the definition of cottage core or just general perfection.
Okay, yes it is quiet, small, and a bit in the middle of nowhere, but w o w did I not truly recognize or appreciate the utter and complete beauty of my little Whitehall. Especially in the summer. There may not be much to do and everything closes like, at or before 10, and it’s rather challenging to find vegan-friendly food, but those Pure Michigan commercials do. not. lie. It is a sight to behold when the sun sparkles off Lake Michigan and the weather embraces you in a balmy 75-80 degree hug. Simply perfect.
it is in fact possible to somehow float above your body for days on end.
Considering the fact that I’m captured on video in a sorority shirt from freshman year of college and equally old SWEATPANTS, I had no inkling that Manuel planned to propose. Despite my disheveled appearance, I could not have orchestrated a more perfect, more magical, more meaningful proposal. Nor can I find the realest, rawest, most accurate words to describe everything that happened during and after, but I’ll continue to work on that.
There have been rare moments in my life where I’ve felt like I’m somehow watching myself exist from outside my body, but they were always fleeting. From the moment I turned to my left to see the love of my life on one knee, during a summer sunset over Lake Michigan, my soul and self left my body. I’d catch a glimpse of my ring in the mirror or out of the corner of my eye and wonder whose hand, whose beautifully unique and sparkling ring that was. As if I had taken a love potion, everything, everything felt coated in a warm haze that my body carried me through. It wasn’t until we returned home that the pieces of myself settled back together. It was truly the most wonderfully bizarre feeling.
the planning of nuptials is an arduous yet enticing & exciting process.
I mean, I am excited, don’t get me wrong. But, I definitely do understand why people elope. Like so many other things in my life, it could also just be that cute thing that happens when I’m obsessed with the thinking and the planning of a thing, but then am actually overwhelmed by the doing. In any case, I think we are in good shape at this point? Time will tell, I guess.
it isn’t about the destination, but instead learning to enjoy the journey.
Ok this is definitely not something I just learned nor is it a philosophy I have in any way mastered this past year. However, I think it is important to include because when I reflect on any period of time, I have to remind myself of the innate growth that occurs within.
If you’ve made it this far in my ramblings, leave a comment if you wish! Should I shoot for shorter posts and save the verboseness for more essay-like pieces? Somewhere in the middle? Let me know your thoughts and happiest of new years!
