plagued by purpose (or lack thereof?)
Happy March! It has officially been over a month since my layoff and honestly, I’m not really sure about anything. Because I need to exercise my writing muscles more and I’d love to get more content posted on my website, I’ll write a weekly blog, posted every Friday, on a topic, experience, or related thought that plagued me that week. The first in this series, the matter of purpose: what is it, how does one find it, and what the actual hell to do about it; all according to Hannah. Also, full disclosure, I’m trying to optimize my personal posts in accordance with SEO and other fancy internet measures, so please bear with me as I fine-tune and figure out how I can maintain my authentic voice while also staying #relevant.
lost in thoughts
Lately, I’ve been thinking a lot about purpose–funny how endless days of “freedom” can do that to a person. In my last entry, I discussed the loss of my job and how this was my time to really grow as a person and learn resilience; I ended the post by saying something about currently, at the moment, I’m feeling okay.
It’s not exactly that I’d like to amend my former statement, but also, at the same time, I would. It’s frustrating because I have so many dark and heavy thoughts and feelings getting mixed up and swirling around with their lighter, brighter counterparts and for someone who always knows what to say and how to answer, I can’t find the right words to describe this. What’s worse is that I know how lucky I am; I have a roof over my head, food to eat, and a community of people I know love me and are there to help and support me and I’m still struggling.
I’m struggling because, despite my degree and research, and experience, I still feel like I’m just really not sure WTF I am doing or want to do with myself. And yes, I know that that is all part of the whole adulting/life gig, but for someone who is neuro-divergent, it is also insanely unsettling and at times, debilitating. I just keep feeling like this next step determines my entire trajectory and if I don’t figure out my ultimate “end goal” sometime soon, I’ll end up collecting a bunch of random experience that doesn’t add up or translate to something bigger.
what even is “purpose”?
I’ve written about this before, but for most of my life, I thought my one true purpose was to dance down Main St. USA, an endless supply of pixie dust and happily ever afters galore; a dream I’d harbored since I was young. Depending on who you talk to, I did it: I followed my dream and it came true, and even though I never did exactly what I set out to do (which is to say both dance–as a person–and be in a parade), I got pretty damn close. I’m still not quite sure how or where I place the accomplishment on a scale of “didn’t even try” to “HOLY GOD OMG I DID IT” because the truth is, it’s complicated. My time in Entertainment at Disney was some of the highest highs and the lowest lows I’ve ever known and I learned things I’d never dreamed were in my cards. But, if we’re being super literal and intentionally specific–which, annoyingly, I usually am–I didn’t fully achieve my dream, live out my purpose; however, that is also not the point of this post.
To be honest, I’m not really sure what the point of this post is, exactly. Other than to be an entry in my journal–a smattering of my thoughts somewhat organized into categories intended to take up space in my little online corner. I have no answers, only questions I’m not quite sure how to form.
Sometimes, I feel like I’m just floating through life, unaware and unsure; one freakout away from blowing away and landing somewhere out of reach. Other times, I can feel my feet planted firmly on the ground, confident and sure as they carry me toward my destiny. Recently, I’ve been really trying to connect to the latter me: the one who is grounded in presence and remembers to breathe deep and slow and take it one day at a time. The problem is, that for as loud and clear and strong as my thoughts and feelings always are, they do not usually correlate to actionable steps or an achievable goal or outcome.
Like my writing–the stuff like this that often feels more me than the version I carry everywhere and the one who speaks aloud–my mind is a map of metaphors and an unending supply of hard-to-answer questions. What am I doing? What do I want to do? What is my purpose? What is a purpose? Who am I? And honestly, I’m just out here trying to make a map for a place that has yet to exist.
walking through darkness to reach a light
The more time that passes, the more I’m coming to terms with my current predicament–mostly. I’m slowly starting to learn that while hard and scary and overwhelming and alll the other myriad words I feel on a daily basis, this experience was inevitable. In order for me to do and become all that I’m meant to–perhaps discover, or, uncover this whole purpose thing–I had to hit a sort of rock bottom. I have to learn that to succeed is to try–and fail–a lot. I have to learn that perseverance is harder in practice than it is in concept, especially when the stakes are high. I have to learn to prioritize and care for my mental health when everything feels hopeless and dark.
I’m not sure of a whole lot, but I do know–thanks to the support from my family and therapist–that even when it’s felt impossible, I have made it through 100% of my bad days. In the grand scheme of life, this time will be no different.
